Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Summer Vaca and Confessions

So. After a grueling week of finals, I packed up my belongings and headed home. I still don't think it has hit me that my freshman year is over. This all so crazy. It is unreal to think that I have just 3 short years left at PC; which, one hand, feels like an eternity, and on the other, it feels like a mere second, a heartbeat, a blink of an eye. Soon I'll be out on my own, in the real world. This thought excites me but saddens me at the same time. I have so many things I want to do before I get there and I feel so confined with just 3 summers left to do them all. And yet I have a vision in my head of me, in the real world, working a dream job and loving every minute of it. However, reality checks in and I think, who knows if I will ever be able to accomplish or create some of the dreams I have? I may not be able to find a position working with kids, especially if the economy does not get any better. And I know I won't be loving every minute of my job because, like every job, there are ups and downs.
But for now I have just concentrated on laying on the couch, watching a lot of crime shows on the tv, and doing absolutely nothing. And when I say nothing, I do mean pretty much nothing. Sadly I have not had the motivation to do my devotion and as a result my time with God has been slim to none. I just cannot seem to persist, I find myself sometimes wondering if I spend time with God because I want to, or because it is what all of my friends do? I know that God has used them in so many ways to push me closer to him but many times I feel I cannot push myself closer to him. I seem to want to praise him when things are good, but yet fall from him when things are stressful or confusing.
So, I am hoping to work through this as well as my pride issues that have flaired up again this summer at the LP. I have so many expectations and yet I do not have any at all. So many people have told me how much they loved the LP when they went. And so many people have asked me if I am sooo excited. And I was excited when I applied, but somehow I have lost my excitement and I tell them yes just because it is what they want to hear. I am looking forward to this summer but I am checking myself in a way. This summer, I do not need to try and find satisfaction in my experience - in having fun and making new friends, but in growing closer to the Lord and dealing with my sin that keeps me from knowing Him.
I leave tomorrow for the whole summer so be praying for me and for the people of Myrtle Beach!