Let the Tears Begin

Alright bloggers, I'll be starting a never ending series about my days as a first grade teacher. Yesterday was my very first day having my own classroom, and my own first graders. The morning was ok. It was the first day so kids were coming in super early which I wasn't really expecting. We got through the morning ok with a little first day sheet and calendar. Then we moved on to a Find a Friend activity which they figured out how to do on their own after I did not explain it very well. Then we tried doing an M&M graphing activity. I was going to go through it with them step by step but some of them zoomed through the graph and some of them weren't quite sure what to do. Not to mention there ended up being a gaillion M&Ms all over the floor!

But basically all of those little classroom management things that drive every teacher crazy all piled up on me and I had a meltdown! I don't know why I expected them not to do this but they were shouting out and getting up out of their seat all over the place and couldn't walk quietly in the hallway or in a straight line in the hallway. And lunch was a complete and total disaster. Everyone ran to the table and called seats and then the table and the floor was a mess afterwards and throwing away trash was a disaster. The kids came back from specials and I put on a magic school bus DVD that we watched for 45 minutes because I couldn't handle doing anything else. Then we tried doing a craftivity which was a mess all over the place and most of them didn't finish in 45 minutes! Also, packing up was also a disaster! I have no idea what the kiddos took home and what they didn't!

Then I sat down in my mentor teacher's room and I cried. I sobbed because I felt helpless. I wanted it to go so smoothly and it was total chaos! I'm trying to be thankful that the Lord is humbling me from my expectation of being a great first year teacher and stripping by definition of a great first year teacher. I can see now that I thought that if everything went smoothly that I would have everything together and we would flow right into a routine. That idea could never be far from the truth! So, we'll see how the rest of the year goes. Here's to hoping we learn something in the next 178 days!

10,000 Reasons?

Preparing to lead my small group at church tomorrow night I again become confronted with my doubt in the Lord, his power and in his sovereignty. Tomorrow night I am using one of Jesus' healing miracles to teach that Jesus has compassion over us, that He has power over all and that He is the true Messiah. As I have been preparing tonight, I am confronted that these are just a few of the many reasons that we have to celebrate and worship Jesus.

In the end, I plan to present the truth that the mission of Jesus' miracles was to demonstrate his power and his identity so that the people would believe in Him, trust Him as the Messiah and tell others about Him. Jesus tells us that our response to grace is to serve Him and worship Him. It is as simple as that. And yet over and over again I fail at these miserably. And I doubt Him and I harden my heart towards Him, instead looking inwards in the face of a storm and wondering why life isn't just peachy. I daydream about a life that is free from struggles and strife; a world where I picture myself freely and wholeheartedly worshiping the Lord. 

The problem with this picture is that my worship, my service, my love is circumstantial. Often, I find myself believing the lie that I can achieve this dream, that the more that I grow to be like Christ, the more perfect my life will be. And then I get slapped in the face with a wake up call. "Hello Kathleen! Anybody home? Did you read the part where Jesus was tortured and crucified on the cross or did you just skip that part?" Jesus, my savior, my redeemer, lover of my soul; he was perfect and yet he suffered the most because he desired to know me. How can I even begin to think that I deserve to even remotely consider a life without pain, sorrow, and suffering when each day I sin against Him. I am not worthy and yet so many times I fail to remember this. 

Yet because of Jesus, I live another day today to remember how unworthy I am in the midst of worshipping Jesus who is worthy and yet still suffered so much. My suffering can never compare to what He endured so that I might have grace. I am reminded of Matt Redman's "10,000 Reasons" and worship the Lord knowing that there are more than 10,000 reasons to do so and pray that whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes.

Covers Fun!

So this post has nothing to do with life or Jesus, but I love great covers! And youtube just has so many great ones, and not so great ones too! So here's a few that I think are really good and fun!

This is a cover of "Some Nights" by Fun, done by a YouTube artist and a bunch of his friends. It's one of my friends. But be warned this vid's not edited so around 2:50, be prepared. 

Anybody remember the song "MMMBop" by Hanson from the late 90s or early 2000s? Oh yeah, my childhood right there. And of course ten years later, still we don't know what exactly MMBop is, but enjoy it again with this cover by Paradise Fears and Hollywood Ending. 

Cassadee Pope and Hey Monday cover a stripped down version of Jason Derulo's "In My Head". 

A little bit country, Emily Hearn covers "Colder Weather" by Zac Brown Band at the beautiful Flat Rock, NC! 

And of course I had to throw in a little bit of Tigeroar, the men's a capella group from Clemson University. These guys cover "All of the Lights" remixed to show their Tiger pride!

Freedom in Surrendering

As I get deeper into my semester teaching 2nd grade, I gain more control of the class, more authority with the class, and more love for the class and the profession.
 But my second grade shenanigans don't come easily all of the time and Jesus brings me back to the reality that I try to fight so hard: I am a sinner. As I gain more authority and control with the classroom, I assume more responsibilities. But, the hardest part about the semester is exactly what it is Student Teaching. Hold up, I thought I was the teacher? I realize that I am the teacher, but at the same time, I'm not the teacher. Because ultimately, it is not my classroom and the authority is not mine and the decision at the end of the day is not mine to make. It belongs to someone else. And no matter what I do, I cannot change this. And it is shown to me how much I do not like not being in control. I want to be the one in charge, I do not want to relinquish decisions to other people. I become used to this mindset that next year, I'll have my own classroom and I'll be able to make the decisions without relying on anyone else. I will have the control. But this is a lie that I tell myself. Because in no aspect of my life am I ever in control. The Lord is in complete control of everything. He desires every part of me and I am called to surrender everything up to him.
Surrender. That word. "To give over, or resign oneself to something". "To give over, or resign oneself to [God]." All wrapped up in that word is complete dependence and complete freedom at the same time. It's a paradox. How can I be free if I am completely dependent? Am I not more free when I have the power? But no. God requires me to surrender to Him because I am to be completely dependent on Christ, in every way. Because Christ is not a sinner, He is perfect in every way. And scripture tells me that the Lord works all things for the good of those who call on him (Romans 8:28). Therefore, I do not have to worry about anything. Because the Lord is perfect, and completely in control and everything will work towards making Him known. I have the freedom of knowing that I am not in control, I do not make the ultimate decision. I have the privilege of surrendering to Christ and trusting in Him.